please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
