does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
