You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
