It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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