Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
