I can tuck mytits in my pants
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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