you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize