He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
