I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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