it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
be right there i have to get my cape
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
