this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
