I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
