I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
