just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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