i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
