I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
