Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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