Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Pants are for mortals
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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