Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
