youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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