someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
