I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
