Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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