I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
