My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
