you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
