I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
