i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
