Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
