apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
false alarm. still invincible.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
