Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
