Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
