i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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