Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
