Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
