Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
