Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
