Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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