So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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