Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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