We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
