oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We had sex on a dog bed..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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