Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
