I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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