They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
