I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
nutella sex= disaster
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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