I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
