Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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