you have to choose: penises or morals?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize