Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
