Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
