I will die if light touches me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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