Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
