Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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