I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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